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5 Sh*t Talking NPCs Who Can Eat a D*ck. (Crass Language)

by on October 17, 2016
 
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When it comes to trash talking, I am the second biggest trash talker at Game Octane next to Drew. Second isnt bad though because he’ll never beat me in Tekken, Speed Runners, MvC2, Smash 2, Smash 3, Smash 4, Smite, Sonic 2 special stages, or Minesweeper. Although he’ll beat me in NHL, Town of Salem and Leisure Suit Larry. In the end, it’s all good fun with us. The same isn’t always true
with NPCs. So this is a list of 5 Sh*t Talking NPCs who can Eat a D*ck.

 

 


Altair
Bomber Man 64

The sheer arrogance displayed in this 5 seconds is enough to boil my blood. At this point in the game, You’ve destroyed his grasp on the Bomberplanet, defeated his 3 generals, and taken out several giant wild beasts. This is all done in platformer where you cannot jump. By this boss fight you’ve established yourself as a capable hero who is only a few steps from completly ending this villain. You pump your self up and walk into his fighting arena and his [pet] airplane destroys the only way in and out. And then here comes this jackass, slowly
floating down his tractor beam like he was the pope, Jean Luc Picard himself. You tap your toe, as he takes his sweet time. You lock eyes, you ball your fist up, you spit out your chew tobacco, all while this guy falls in slow motion like he just dunked on Dave Chappelle. Then he breaks the silence and all you here is “You wanna fight me?!” Unfucking believable! “YES, START THE FIGHT YA BASTARD! I’m a problem. Like recognize I’m a problem and now I’m YOUR problem!”


Uthgerd the Unbroken
Skyrim

Uthgerd is a Nordic warrior from Whiterun. She’s a potential spouse and steward who has no chill. She soesn’t care who you are or what you do and she’s quick to remind you with classic phrases such as “Keep walking, soft-gut.” “I’m more woman than you can handle.”
and “I got no quarrel with you, but I won’t turn one down, neither.” She’s a real man’s woman that any viking would’ve be lucky to fight.

 


Carmen Sandiego
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego

This is certainly a niche and I don’t think everyone took this the same way I did. In this game that targeted a very young audience who knew little about computers but could use an MS-Dos prompt screen better than most Comcast tech support (I should know as I was one for sometime and even almost became a manager before I quit.) Just look at this capture.

This should’ve been a humbling experience but no, that’d be too good for a 3rd graders self esteem. So instead, as she stands un-restrained and un-handcuffed

nick-young

while taking her mugshot, she’s already challenging you to try and stop her next time. This pissed me off completely because although it was for children,¬†it was certainly easy to lose in this game and it took some critical thinking, knowledge, tenacity, and an eye for detail to catch her. I remember being one of two people in my 3rd grade class of about 32 who could beat that game. She doesn’t let you revel in your victory she instead talks about some other game that you don’t have because this is a school game, and your parents don’t buy you computer games.


WizPig
Diddy Kong Racing

He looks like Spyro the Dragon’s fairy god mother cosplayed as magneto and ran around terrorizing a petting zoo. That doesn’t mean you can drop your guard, because this guy is pure evil. He comes in to the race cocky from the start and then he cheats!

That’s not even the worst part. After you beat him FAIR AND SQUARE, you have to race him again a short time later. You’d think that he’s have some humility after that first whooping but instead he ups the ante. I’ve never felt so degraded by a lone sprite as i did when facing wizpig. Just listen to this.

And the race is legitimately challenging so you have to hear this over and over again. The only comfort is the thought that I’ll soon have drumstick!


Mom
South Park Stick of truth

This one is a little left field of the other names mentioned on the list but I couldn’t leave it out. While your mom is definitely the more likable of the parents there’s one mission of the game where your mother shows her true colors in what may be the most memorable portion of the game. “Defeat the underpants gnome.” This mission starts out simple enough, a few things happen that lead to
your character being shrunken to the size of a baby mouse. After a wild chase, you catch up to your target, you spring into action and find out you’re in the middle of the action. There you see your tough, stern, and mildly mean father and you sweet dear mother in coitus that’s right, they’re doing the sideways shuffle, the two squirrel twirl, the horizontal Tanto, the good ol’ nug-a-nug (try to guess which phrases I just made up on the spot.) If this wasn’t bad enough, shortly into this wild emotional roller coaster, your mother takes charge and uses some words in the process you’ll never hear her say ever again. [Note: the sequel is on its way so I may be wrong about that.]

To put it plainly it turns out your mother is a dominant lover and your father is submissive to say the least. I never found anything he said threatening or tough after this mission¬†because in his own words, he is a “little b*tch.”

 

These are all NPCs who in my personally opinion can eat a d*ck, if they haven’t already. If you have some NPCs that got under your skin with their monologues and sh*t talking, I’d love to hear about it. Also feel free to leave a comment telling Drew to eat a dick.

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